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Brickwall Unlimited

The Lingering Sense of 'I Am'

SN 22.89, the Khemaka Sutta — set 4, Not-Self and Dependent Arising

Reading time: about 12 min · 2,062 words

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Before you read

Khemaka, who is ill, is asked through messengers whether he finds any self in the five heaps. No, he says. So is he an arahant? Also no — because something is still there, a faint "I am" he cannot locate in any particular heap.

His image is the scent of a flower. You cannot say the scent belongs to the petal, or the color, or the pollen; it belongs to the flower. And then a second: a filthy cloth is washed clean, but it still smells of the salt and lye it was washed with, and only loses that after time in a fragrant chest.

This is the subtlest text in this set and also the most reassuring. It says that seeing not-self clearly and being finished are two different events, and that what remains between them fades rather than having to be defeated.

Translation

The Setting

At one time several senior bhikkhus were staying near Kosambī, in Ghosita's monastery.

At that time Venerable Khemaka was staying in the Jujube Grove, sick, suffering, and gravely ill.

Then, in the evening, the senior bhikkhus emerged from retreat and addressed Venerable Dāsaka:

"Come, friend Dāsaka, go to the bhikkhu Khemaka. After you have gone to him, say this:

'Friend Khemaka, the senior bhikkhus say this:

"We hope it is bearable for you, friend. We hope you are getting by. We hope your painful felt experiences are receding, not increasing, and that their receding is evident, not their increasing."'"

"Yes, friends," Venerable Dāsaka replied to the senior bhikkhus.

He went to Venerable Khemaka and said this:

"Friend Khemaka, the senior bhikkhus say this:

'We hope it is bearable for you. We hope you are getting by. We hope your painful felt experiences are receding, not increasing, and that their receding is evident, not their increasing.'"

"Friend, it is not bearable for me. I am not getting by. My painful felt experiences are increasing, not receding, and their increasing is evident, not their receding."

The Question About Self

Then Venerable Dāsaka went to the senior bhikkhus and said this:

"Friends, the bhikkhu Khemaka says this:

'It is not bearable for me. I am not getting by. My painful felt experiences are increasing, not receding, and their increasing is evident, not their receding.'"

"Come, friend Dāsaka, go to the bhikkhu Khemaka. After you have gone to him, say this:

'Friend Khemaka, the senior bhikkhus say this:

"Friend, the Buddha has taught these five clung-to heaps:

  • the form clung-to heap
  • the felt-experience clung-to heap
  • the recognition clung-to heap
  • the putting-together-activities clung-to heap
  • the knowing clung-to heap

Does Venerable Khemaka regard anything among these five clung-to heaps as self or as belonging to self?"'"

"Yes, friends," Venerable Dāsaka replied to the senior bhikkhus.

He went to Venerable Khemaka and relayed the message.

Venerable Khemaka replied:

"Friend, the Buddha has taught these five clung-to heaps:

  • the form clung-to heap
  • the felt-experience clung-to heap
  • the recognition clung-to heap
  • the putting-together-activities clung-to heap
  • the knowing clung-to heap

I do not regard anything among these five clung-to heaps as self or as belonging to self."

Then Venerable Dāsaka went to the senior bhikkhus and said this:

"Friends, the bhikkhu Khemaka says this:

'The Buddha has taught these five clung-to heaps: the form clung-to heap, the felt-experience clung-to heap, the recognition clung-to heap, the putting-together-activities clung-to heap, and the knowing clung-to heap.

I do not regard anything among these five clung-to heaps as self or as belonging to self.'"

Not Yet an Arahant

"Come, friend Dāsaka, go to the bhikkhu Khemaka. After you have gone to him, say this:

'Friend Khemaka, the senior bhikkhus say this:

"Friend, the Buddha has taught these five clung-to heaps: the form clung-to heap, the felt-experience clung-to heap, the recognition clung-to heap, the putting-together-activities clung-to heap, and the knowing clung-to heap.

If Venerable Khemaka does not regard anything among these five clung-to heaps as self or as belonging to self, then Venerable Khemaka is an arahant whose outflows are worn away."'"

"Yes, friends," Venerable Dāsaka replied to the senior bhikkhus.

He went to Venerable Khemaka and relayed the message.

Venerable Khemaka replied:

"Friend, the Buddha has taught these five clung-to heaps: the form clung-to heap, the felt-experience clung-to heap, the recognition clung-to heap, the putting-together-activities clung-to heap, and the knowing clung-to heap.

I do not regard anything among these five clung-to heaps as self or as belonging to self, but I am not an arahant whose outflows are worn away.

Still, among these five clung-to heaps, 'I am' is found in me, but I do not regard anything as 'I am this.'"

Then Venerable Dāsaka went to the senior bhikkhus and said this:

"Friends, the bhikkhu Khemaka says this:

'The Buddha has taught these five clung-to heaps: the form clung-to heap, the felt-experience clung-to heap, the recognition clung-to heap, the putting-together-activities clung-to heap, and the knowing clung-to heap.

I do not regard anything among these five clung-to heaps as self or as belonging to self, but I am not an arahant whose outflows are worn away.

Still, among these five clung-to heaps, "I am" is found in me, but I do not regard anything as "I am this."'"

Enough Running Back and Forth

"Come, friend Dāsaka, go to the bhikkhu Khemaka. After you have gone to him, say this:

'Friend Khemaka, the senior bhikkhus say this:

"Friend Khemaka, when you say this, 'I am,' what do you say is 'I am'?

Do you say form is 'I am,' or apart from form is 'I am'?

Do you say felt experience is 'I am,' or apart from felt experience is 'I am'?

Do you say recognition is 'I am,' or apart from recognition is 'I am'?

Do you say putting-together activities are 'I am,' or apart from putting-together activities is 'I am'?

Do you say knowing is 'I am,' or apart from knowing is 'I am'?

When you say this, 'I am,' what do you say is 'I am'?"'"

"Yes, friends," Venerable Dāsaka replied to the senior bhikkhus.

He went to Venerable Khemaka and said:

"Friend Khemaka, the senior bhikkhus say this:

'Friend Khemaka, when you say this, "I am," what do you say is "I am"?

Do you say form is "I am," or apart from form is "I am"?

Do you say felt experience is "I am," or apart from felt experience is "I am"?

Do you say recognition is "I am," or apart from recognition is "I am"?

Do you say putting-together activities are "I am," or apart from putting-together activities is "I am"?

Do you say knowing is "I am," or apart from knowing is "I am"?

When you say this, "I am," what do you say is "I am"?'"

"Enough, friend Dāsaka. What is the point of this running back and forth?

Bring me my staff, friend. I will go to the senior bhikkhus myself."

Khemaka Comes to the Senior Bhikkhus

Then Venerable Khemaka, leaning on a staff, went to the senior bhikkhus. After he had gone to them, he exchanged greetings with them.

When the greetings and polite conversation were complete, he sat to one side. Sitting to one side, the senior bhikkhus said this to Venerable Khemaka:

"Friend Khemaka, when you say this, 'I am,' what do you say is 'I am'?

Do you say form is 'I am,' or apart from form is 'I am'?

Do you say felt experience is 'I am,' or apart from felt experience is 'I am'?

Do you say recognition is 'I am,' or apart from recognition is 'I am'?

Do you say putting-together activities are 'I am,' or apart from putting-together activities is 'I am'?

Do you say knowing is 'I am,' or apart from knowing is 'I am'?

When you say this, 'I am,' what do you say is 'I am'?"

"Friends, I do not say form is 'I am,' nor do I say apart from form is 'I am.'

I do not say felt experience is 'I am,' nor do I say apart from felt experience is 'I am.'

I do not say recognition is 'I am,' nor do I say apart from recognition is 'I am.'

I do not say putting-together activities are 'I am,' nor do I say apart from putting-together activities is 'I am.'

I do not say knowing is 'I am,' nor do I say apart from knowing is 'I am.'

Still, among these five clung-to heaps, 'I am' is found in me, but I do not regard anything as 'I am this.'

The Flower Scent Simile

"Suppose, friends, there were the scent of a blue water lily, a lotus, or a white lotus.

If someone were to say, 'It is the scent of the petal,' or 'It is the scent of the color,' or 'It is the scent of the pollen,' would they be speaking correctly?"

"No, friend."

"Then, friends, what would the correct answer be?"

"Friend, they would answer correctly by saying, 'It is the scent of the flower.'"

"In the same way, friends, I do not say form is 'I am,' nor do I say apart from form is 'I am.'

I do not say felt experience is 'I am,' nor do I say apart from felt experience is 'I am.'

I do not say recognition is 'I am,' nor do I say apart from recognition is 'I am.'

I do not say putting-together activities are 'I am,' nor do I say apart from putting-together activities is 'I am.'

I do not say knowing is 'I am,' nor do I say apart from knowing is 'I am.'

Still, among these five clung-to heaps, 'I am' is found in me, but I do not regard anything as 'I am this.'

The Lingering Residue

"Friends, although a noble disciple has abandoned the five lower fetters, still there remains, following along among the five clung-to heaps, a conceit 'I am,' a desire 'I am,' and an underlying tendency 'I am' that has not been uprooted.

At a later time, they remain observing arising and passing away in the five clung-to heaps:

'Such is form. Such is the arising of form. Such is the vanishing of form.

Such is felt experience. Such is the arising of felt experience. Such is the vanishing of felt experience.

Such is recognition. Such is the arising of recognition. Such is the vanishing of recognition.

Such are putting-together activities. Such is the arising of putting-together activities. Such is the vanishing of putting-together activities.

Such is knowing. Such is the arising of knowing. Such is the vanishing of knowing.'

As they remain observing arising and passing away in these five clung-to heaps, whatever remains, following along among the five clung-to heaps, as a conceit 'I am,' a desire 'I am,' and an underlying tendency 'I am' that has not been uprooted - that too goes to uprooting.

The Cloth Scent Simile

"Suppose, friends, there were a cloth that was stained and soiled. Its owners would hand it over to a washer.

The washer would knead it with salt, lye, or cow dung, and rinse it in clear water.

Although the cloth would be clean and bright, still the smell of salt, lye, or cow dung would remain, following along with it, not yet uprooted.

The washer would give it back to its owners. The owners would put it in a fragrant chest.

Whatever smell of salt, lye, or cow dung had remained, following along with it, not yet uprooted - that too would go to uprooting.

"In the same way, friends, although a noble disciple has abandoned the five lower fetters, still there remains, following along among the five clung-to heaps, a conceit 'I am,' a desire 'I am,' and an underlying tendency 'I am' that has not been uprooted.

At a later time, they remain observing arising and passing away in the five clung-to heaps:

'Such is form. Such is the arising of form. Such is the vanishing of form.

Such is felt experience. Such is the arising of felt experience. Such is the vanishing of felt experience.

Such is recognition. Such is the arising of recognition. Such is the vanishing of recognition.

Such are putting-together activities. Such is the arising of putting-together activities. Such is the vanishing of putting-together activities.

Such is knowing. Such is the arising of knowing. Such is the vanishing of knowing.'

As they remain observing arising and passing away in these five clung-to heaps, whatever remains, following along among the five clung-to heaps, as a conceit 'I am,' a desire 'I am,' and an underlying tendency 'I am' that has not been uprooted - that too goes to uprooting."

The Result

When this had been said, the senior bhikkhus said this to Venerable Khemaka:

"We weren't questioning Venerable Khemaka to trouble him.

But Venerable Khemaka is able to explain, teach, designate, establish, open, analyze, and make clear the Buddha's instruction in detail.

And now Venerable Khemaka has explained, taught, designated, established, opened, analyzed, and made clear the Buddha's instruction in detail."

That is what Venerable Khemaka said.

The senior bhikkhus were satisfied and welcomed what Venerable Khemaka had said.

And while this exposition was being spoken, the minds of about sixty senior bhikkhus, and the mind of Venerable Khemaka, were released from the outflows through not taking anything personally.

Words used in this translation (13)
arahant
Someone who has completed the path and has nothing further to do. Left untranslated; "saint" and "perfected one" both mislead.
bhikkhu
A Buddhist monk -- someone who has left household life to practise full time. Left untranslated because "monk" carries centuries of unrelated European associations.
bhikkhus
Buddhist monks -- those who have left household life to practise full time. The Buddha's usual way of addressing the assembly, roughly "friends" in force.
clung-to heaps
The five categories experience gets sorted into and then grasped as "me" or "mine" -- body, feeling, recognition, mental activity, and awareness. Not clinging to the categories themselves, but to the sense of ownership placed on top of them.
felt experience
This project's rendering of "vedanā", often translated "feeling". It is the immediate pleasant, painful, or mixed tone of an experience, before any story we build on top of it.
five lower fetters
Five patterns said to bind a person to ordinary sensual existence: self-view, doubt, grasping at rules and observances, sensual passion, and aversion.
form
This project's rendering of "rūpa" -- the physical, material aspect of experience, one of the five heaps.
knowing
This project's rendering of "viññāṇa" (often translated "consciousness") -- bare awareness of an object through one of the senses or the mind.
noble disciple
Someone who has had the breakthrough into the path and so is no longer merely an ordinary person. It does not mean noble by birth, and does not require being a monastic.
outflows
This project's rendering of "āsavā" -- deep-running habits that keep seeping out and driving behaviour, classically sensuality, becoming, and ignorance. Often translated "taints" or "defilements."
putting-together activities
This project's rendering of "saṅkhārā" (often translated "mental formations") -- the mind's constructing and assembling activity, one of the five heaps.
recognition
This project's rendering of "saññā" (often translated "perception") -- the mind's act of identifying and labeling what it encounters.
underlying tendency
A reactive pattern that isn't necessarily active right now but is ready to reassert itself given the right conditions -- lying underneath rather than gone.
Source and corrections